求批雅思G类小作文Dear Mr.Jackson,I am writing to request your permis

求批雅思G类小作文
Dear Mr.Jackson,
I am writing to request your permission to start work one week later.According to our contract signed last month,I am supposed to begin to work on next Monday.But I am afraid I could not start work on that day.
Unfortunately,an accident happened to my litter brother yesterday morning.When I rushed to the hospital I found he was badly injured.What's worse,the troublemaker of the accident has run away.I need to take care of my brother for a few days and try my best to help the police find a witness of the accident.As a consequence,I might not be able to start work on time.
I am deeply sorry for that.I would appreciate it very much if you could give me one more week's time before starting work.Thanks very much for your understanding and kindness help.I am looking forward to your reply.
Yours Sincerely,
Joe Jones
顺便求评分
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to axinaim9。
work 可做名词，则可以用Start work，
witness作为目击者是可数名词，可数名词要么加a 要么加the，要么复数，

我认为axinaim9提的5点指正都非常准确.要想在高水准基础上进一步提高的话,我想主要应该在语言表达方式上能更上一层楼.
原文：I am writing to request your permission to start work one week later.
第一句的意思是one week later from now or from next Monday?当然当我读到第二句我猜到你实际要表达的意思是后者.但是这是正是第一句表达的不清晰,不完美之处.
改写：I am writing to request your permission to postpone my work starting date for one week.
原文：According to our contract signed last month,I am supposed to begin to work on next Monday
你的雇佣合同里使用的一定是公历日期.你不知道老板读信的日期.在实际工作中,西方一般要使用公历日期以避免产生任何疑惑.
改写：According to our contract dated 3 July 2010,I shall commence working on 9 August 2010,or next Monday.
原文：But I am afraid I could not start work on that day.
楼上已经指出的要用"start working",另一种改法是干脆把“work”去掉."could not start" 和 "unable to start"可以换用,两者相比前者可以是主观原因也可以是客观原因,后者更强调客观.如果请假非常坚决,一定不能上班了最好用后者,如果还有商量的余地,最好用前者.与上面使用公历日期相对应的,第三句句尾的“day"要改成"date".
改写：But I am afraid I am unable to start on that date.
原文：Unfortunately,an accident happened to my litter brother yesterday morning.When I rushed to the hospital I found he was badly injured.What's worse,the troublemaker of the accident has run away.
就这封信的内容来说,我感觉“Unfortunately”不必要,“When I rushed to the hospital”不必要,而其他的相关信息提供还不够多.读完第一句我不知道accident是什么accident,读到后面的troublemaker run away我猜想你实际要表达的是交通事故offender hit-and-run.好的英文要用精炼的语言介绍更多的细节.
改写：Yesterday morning,my little brother was knocked off his pushbike in a hit-and-run road accident.He has got a fractured arm and a bruised leg.He is hospitalised and in stable condition.
原文：I need to take care of my brother for a few days and try my best to help the police find a witness of the accident.
你的老板的回信很可能会是这样的,“到底多严重?一个星期够了吗?别担心工作,你先去忙家事吧,一个月后要是确实忙完了再来上班吧.”如果你确实是只想请一个星期的假,这一段最好写上为什么你只请一个星期的假.
“help"the police 不是很地道.你不是帮助警察而是协助警察工作.建议改成"assist".“witnesses” 建议用复数.“find” 改 “finding”.
改写：I need to take care of my brother for a few days and try my best to assist police in finding witnesses.I believe by 16 August 2010,I would have settled these urgent domestic matters.
原文：As a consequence,I might not be able to start work on time.
这句话应该删掉.句子没错,但是从请假信的角度这句可能是最大的败笔,让老板搞不清楚你到底是能不能来工作.按澳洲劳工法,雇员每年十天的带薪carer’s leave 或每次两天的带薪compassionate leave 都是正当权益.真的出了这种事,雇主没有不准假的理由,何况你还不要求拿工资.
原文：I am deeply sorry for that.
"that"是什么?这句是段落的第一句话,尽量避免使用"that".特别是上一段最后一句删掉后,建议在这里把后边表达清晰.
另外,建议把前句中的 “start work on time” 改为“start my job as scheduled”避免产生上班迟到的歧义.
改写：I am truly sorry for unable to start my job as scheduled.
原文：I would appreciate it very much if you could give me one more week's time before starting work.
“One more week” 现在离合同开始有一周,还想再推迟一周?请一周假不够还希望两周?
改写：I would appreciate it very much if you could allow me postpone the job start for one week.
原文：Thanks very much for your understanding and kindness help.I am looking forward to your reply.
“Thanks very much”不是地道的用法.建议改成“thank you very much”
“kindness help”建议去掉 “help”.
改写：Thank you very much for your understanding and kindness.I am looking forward to your reply.
主观臆断,请见谅.