本人写了一篇雅思的作文,请高手批改下,最好给出建议...

本人写了一篇雅思的作文,请高手批改下,最好给出建议...
THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE LIVES BY THEMSELVES INCREASED RAPIDLY POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE FOR SOCIETY?
A phenomenon has sprung up -increasingly person choose live by themselves in the past years.Whether this appearance was the cause of economic development and gender equality.Take women for example,they can go to work and competition with men.There are independate economic that they choose live by themselves.
People lives alone adapt to the society development.Firstly,people alone have more time and energy to work .Because they can't tied down by household chores.Secondly,increase sales of goods.For instance ,one people need an operable machine equal to two people together demands,like television and washing machine.
On the other hand ,it is obvious that people lives by themselves have a lot of problems than live with others.To start with people drive cars by themselves can easily make traffic congestion .Therefore,if are under the influence of traffic jams,it is controlled people's work productive.Morever,the city have no enough place to live,like Hongkong.Specificall,people have money but no house.Lastly,it seems that the people live a more stressful life by themselves that the people live others.The competition is increasingly stiff,which makes many people cold and cruel.
This phenomenon is familar in European country.European goverment promote get married and child belaring.Because manpower is not enough .In China,the goverment make laws and promote people car pooling to reduce traffic congestion.
In sum,several factors contribute to the number of people lives by themselves.I am convinced that we should take effective steps,including make laws to alleviate this modern-day problem.

平行结构用and连接的时候,要注意结构平行,形式平行,功能平行·
如：they can go to work and competition with men
competition是名词,后面怎么跟了介词?
前面是go to 动词结构用and连接,必须也是动词结构的~if引导的条件虚拟,后面的主句呢?一个句子没有主句怎么行呢?
if are under the influence of traffic jams,it is controlled people's work productive.Morever,the city have no enough place to live,like Hongkong.
like不能做列举的意思,只能是放在句子首位表示比较,或者用于动词喜欢,列举书面语用such as~if are under?主语是什么?if are under the influence of traffic jams,it is controlled people's work productive.整篇句子没有主语,而且it如果是做形式主语,真正的主语应该是后面的,人们的工作效率 如果是做主语,
This phenomenon 和从句的逻辑主语不协调啊~逻辑错误~用the 是最好的,promote get married and child belaring平行结构错了,法律最好使用establish~
I am convinced that 你想用的是宾语从句吧,但是这个貌似是表语从句哦,am去掉~从句用should?你想说虚拟语气,convinced不好用虚拟吧,表示建议愿望的虚拟语气,省略should直接加V原型的,should在书面语中最好用于情态动词哦~this这个代词不可以指代全部的,很模糊哦~make的用法好好看看吧~make do 我记得~也不敢确定哈~
看看语法吧,句子结构什么的~要是有空就看看词吧~用词不准确可以原谅的,老外受不了咱们说的没有逻辑~