帮我雅思作文打分!8 We need international languages to make our lives

帮我雅思作文打分!
8 We need international languages to make our lives simpler.Do you agree or disagree?
No other time in history has the issue of international language become so much debated as in the 21st century.The professionals claim that we need global language to make communication easier.Some people,however,still consider our own language the best.As far as I am concerned,I think we should save our culture and refuse to use universal language.
To begin with,global language may destroy the balance of our culture,those children who are forced to learn the universal language since primary education,may not have the ability to learn our own language,then they will be unfamiliar with our own culture as well.Finally,our culture will die out someday.That’s obviously a disaster.Another point to bear in mind is that some people in our country may not get in touch with foreigners,and they will not have any problems while having a talk with others so it’s absolutely.a waste of time for them to learn international language.In addition,there is no exaggerating to claim that it takes quite a long tome and a large amount of money to promote the spread of the global language ,and we will have less private space as the population use the same language,.
However,the international language can make our lives more simpler because we do not need interpreter and translator at all.Further more,without the problem of linguistic changes,engineers may develop softwares easily and those scientists can all make their voice heard without any obstacle.
All in all,we must preserve our traditional language and cultural from extinction and learn those international language as an assistant.

7分,最好的可能.
看你第一句话就发现套用了模板.我想提醒你这是很危险的,因为这会让你的作文与别人的作文雷同,考官看了第一句话就会有不好的印象,对减低你的分数.开头最好用自己动脑思考出的与众不同的东西.比如一句名言,一句俗语,一个现象,一个故事,即使用模板也要杂糅起来用,不可全部照搬.关于这个我回答了一个雅思作文的问题,很详细,你可以去看看http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/126288369.html
中间的逻辑很清楚,用了to begin with和Another point to bear in mind is,但是你之后紧跟的主题句太长了,会让人读着读着就lost了,尽量用简明有力的主题句.
开头和结尾都太短了,中间也比较简单,可以丰富一下.因为我注意到你文章大概刚刚250个字.要拿高分写得越多越好,一般都会写300以上,甚至350.我考试的时候就写了350还多.
整篇语言不错,但是给人感觉有点乱,感觉东扯西扯的.主要是第一个论据太站不住脚了,怎么可能多学一门语言就说不来自己的语言了,甚至最后自己的文化都消失了,太夸张了.虽然作文是考语言不是考论点有多么正确,但是这种太夸张的说法还是会给考官造成不好的印象吧.
尽量使你的论据现实点,有力点,不要为了写英语而写,别忘了这是一篇议论文你需要让它有理有据.当然也不用太担心这个问题,雅思作文主要还是考语言,逻辑上只有不出大问题就不会影响你拿高分.
看了楼上给你提的意见 感觉这两点是对的
As far as I am concerned, I think 重复啰嗦 留一个
一般正式文不用缩写Obviously, that will be a disaster.
记住学术论文不能用缩写,it is不能写成it's, can't要写成cannot.
all in all肯定可以用,大量雅思真题范文就用了这个短语.不过一般是用在图表作文中,大作文的结尾你可以写
Given the factors I have just outlined, it can be seen clearly that...
或者
Considering the reasons forememtioned, we can safely draw the conclusion that...
这样的长句也能增加字数.
另外开头结尾都应该加一些特别的表达来增加考官阅卷的新鲜感,这是我一贯的手法,在什么考试中都屡试不爽.比如我曾经在开篇时用过改编的莎士比亚名言“to change or not to change, its a question”,结尾用过押头韵和尾韵.如generally, change means challenge.(头韵和尾韵都押到了) but we should also be aware of that challenge always means improvement and achievement, as well as the excitement it brings along.(三个ment押尾韵)
当然押韵这个是可遇不可求,当时刚好条件允许就用了,否则就算想破头皮也很难想出来.总之我的意思就是要多用自己的语言写一些特别的东西,否则就落入俗套了.你的作文一看就是被模板训练出来的,缺乏个人感情色彩和特色.就难以出众.希望你可以多加练习.