求改雅思作文TASK 2处女作

求改雅思作文TASK 2处女作
最好说一下分数
Question
Students from rural areas often find it difficult to access to university education, so people think universities should make it specially easy for them to study at. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is widely accepted that students in rural areas work harder than that in urban areas. However, though most of them have already got an admission from a university, only few have enough money to pay for the tuition which is more than they can afford. Based on this fact, numerous individuals argue that we should offer more opportunities to those students in unsatisfied situation.
Personally I sympathize with their view. Since the disparity between the city and the countryside is becoming increasingly great in our country, undergraduates in rural areas cannot achieve courses that are tailored for the modern society without attending universities. And only by learning will they be capable of transforming the currents of their hometown. On the other hand, there are hosts of celebrities who were born in rural areas, which indicates that it is insensible of people living in cities to underestimate those born in country sides. They are also gifted and the very needs of the society .Learning not only polish them, but fill the blankets of the shortage of talented people.
Even so, I admit that it may be true that giving extra ease to students in rural areas is unfair to students in cities, especially the hardworking ones, to an extent. Students in urban areas may regard their peers in countryside as enemies, which definitely play a negative role in their mental health. Secondly, usually in some competitive areas, student who is a native person of big cities immigrate to rural areas to get an access to the university located in his/her hometown. Conversely, such case enhances the difficulty for students in rural areas to get informed instead of being offered more alternatives.
In summary, there should be a proper solution to the debate which encourages the students in rural areas not to give up studying and at the same time, considers the interest of those living in developed areas.
感觉自己词汇不多

...几乎都是病句和逻辑错误
第一句：这个观点没有佐证,而且很容易就被人反驳,谁说students in rural areas就一定work harder than that in urban areas?
第二局：入学不是get an admission,而是get an offer
第一段最后一句：什么叫unsatisfied situation?不满意的状况?
第二段：
disparity还不如gap
后面那句undergraduates in .把achieve换了,然后这句话你表达的意思不是很清楚
transform是变形的意思,这里不合适
On the other hand, there are hosts of celebrities who were born in rural areas, which indicates that it is insensible of people living in cities to underestimate those born in country sides你的意思是城市人其实农村人,不过看起来实在费劲.
very needs of the society是错误的表达方式
their peers in countryside as enemies这里表达太强烈.不妥
倒二段的意义不是特别清楚
对于你问题补充,其实词汇倒不是关键,重点是逻辑一定要清楚.你想想我们学中文作文的时候是先学词汇还是先学逻辑你就明白了