第一是帮我看看结构,语法,词汇运用有什么大的问题,之前有个人说我文章逗号运用过多,导致考官会无法明白我说什么?

第一是帮我看看结构,语法,词汇运用有什么大的问题,之前有个人说我文章逗号运用过多,导致考官会无法明白我说什么?
第二是给我建议,让我知道怎么提高
第三是帮我评一下分~
Nowadays,it has a research,which tells an opinion that the inborn characteristics effecting individual on his personality and development overweigh than the experiences he will have alongside growth.Personally,I am not in favor of this respect.
As a matter of fact,the characteristics that child with when he was born,will make an impact on his childhood even adult life.This influence to his personality and development is initial and primitive; especially to personality,if last generations of a child,who is musicians,it gets a higher chance that the child will have interesting in music than other children,whose parents are doctors or policemen.In other words,in characteristics support the early life of individual.
However,if we consider it from a different perspective,experience is another effective way to shape one’s personality and development.A conversation,an action,a journey,and even thinking,all are experiences to our life; they are also shaping us at any moment.It seems can even rebuild one’s inborn characteristics.Take the tiger in the troupe for example,the tiger has its last generation’s characteristics such as brutal,however,after it went through training and taming,It becomes gentle,even knows how to perform,.Another instance is that a wolf-boy who was passed the human genes,unfortunately,he was fed up by wolves to grow,and then he learnt the habit and life style,which wolf leading.Moreover,the boy mourns and likes eating raw meat as a wolf.
To conclude,I would say that,like a cup of water and sands,cup represents individual’s personality and development,water and sands are response to inborn characteristic and life experiences.Sands poured into the cup like experiences filling individual’s life,as a result ,the water of the cup will increasingly reduce ,until instead by sands.

顶多6分
effecting 如果说effect用作动词也就罢了 可也应该是effect that后面加从句就应该是正常语序了 that the inborn characteristics effecting
语法太差 你后面写的错误百出根本没法看
连基本语法单词都有问题 就更别说更高级的篇章布局 思维方式这些东西了
你还是学好语法吧
楼上的6.5不知道怎么给的 可见他也是个250