英语六级作文批改麻烦大家帮我批改一下这篇作文.任何错误都可以指出来,Direction:1.网络丰富和便利了人们的生活2

英语六级作文批改
麻烦大家帮我批改一下这篇作文.任何错误都可以指出来,
Direction:
1.网络丰富和便利了人们的生活
2.很多人开始对 形成依赖
3.我对此的看法
On Internet Addict
The exict of Internet makes our life more convenient more colorful and more abundant.We just need to click the keyboard to send a mail then few seconds later friends can receive the massage rather than go to the post office to the letter then several days later friend receive it.What’s more,the information on the internet is various and adequate.Study material,latest news ,fabulous stars,softwares for any kind of usage and so on.You can find out almost things you are concerned.
We indeed can’t deny that internet has made our life by far effective.However,more and more people can’t live in normal without internet.They are too rely on the internet to work or to study.Especially,teenagers,a part of them are addicted to video games,some teenagers even engrossed in the internet bar all day long with eating and sleeping in there.Meanwhile,there are so many unhealthy information on the internet which teenagers is hard to indentity.On the other hand,for most companies ,schools or any other organization,internet has become a indispensable tool,they can’t run normally without internet.
As for me,we need internet .We need effective working and life.So making a advisable use of internet and catching its shortcut are a great way to enhance our effective and to make our life batter.However,we shouldn’t ignore the negative aspect of internet.For this part ,some potent measures must be taken before things get worst.First,schools and parents should educate their teenagers about the threat of addiction to video games.Stepping up the communication between teenagers and parents/teachers.Color their part time job.Second,our laws should be made tougher shows zero tolerance to those bed information spreader.Third,organizations should make a back up for the important datas in case of the situation without internet suddenly.
如果有好的地方请帮忙指出来，不好的地方请尽情的指出、修改或者抨击！THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH!

感觉中式英语的味道很浓.
写作的时候尽量用简单朴实的句子,不要过于追求语法和辞藻.