高中英语作文,麻烦帮忙帮忙看看有什么语法错误

高中英语作文,麻烦帮忙帮忙看看有什么语法错误
下面的2篇英语作文,麻烦看看有什么语法错误并指出和修改好.还有,我想写篇得分高的作文,那些地方要用什么句型会高分呢?麻烦指点下.
I am a big fan of climbing.One afternoon,I went to climbing in the wild.When I decided to go home nearly the evening,I realized that I have lost my key somewhere.I looked for the key while I go down the hills for a long time but I had no luck.I was so worried and I started to feeling a little bit hungry.But I couldn't go home without my key.Just when I about to gave up,I met one of my friends.I told him the story of me losing the key.He was so kind and he helped me to find it.After about 10 minutes,we finally found it behind a bush.I was so excited.To express gratitude,I decided to have dinner with him.And I will pay for the bill.
I like mountain climbing,and once the afternoon,I climb into the wild.To the next night,I'm ready to go home,down to the foot of the mountain I found my lost keys.So I go back down the mountain road looking for my keys,looking for a long time without finding any.I was feeling very anxious,hungry stomachs began.At this time,I met one of my friends,I told him I lost the keys,and together we look for.After 10 minutes,he found my keys,I am very excited,and thank him.Finally,I invite him to dinner.

I am a big fan of climbing (climbing 什么?climbing本身不是个活动.如果你指的是在野外走路/ 探险,可以替换成 “hiking”).(插入transition,因为这前后两句话没有任何联系.比如你可以在这里插入 “However,I almost got into trouble because of my hobby once.”) One afternoon,I went (改为 “was”) climbing (改为 “hiking”或其他更好的词) in the wild.（插入转折,还是前后没关联,比如“I had a good time,yet）When I decided to go home nearly （改为“near”）the (删除“the”) evening (或者把 “nearly the evening” 改为 “at sunset”),I realized that I have (删除 “have”) lost my key somewhere (删除 “somewhere”).I looked for the key while (改为 “as”) I go (改为 “went”) down the hills for a long time (,) but I had no luck (把 “I had no luck” 改为 “the action was in vain”—不改也没错,但是这是更高级的用法,你的读者会喜欢的).I was so worried and (改为 “because”—大哥,这是因果关系好不好—因为你饿了而没有钥匙回不了家,所以你才担心……) I started to feeling （改为 “felt”—更简洁）a little bit (改为 “rather”—a little bit 太口语化) hungry.But （两句连一句）I couldn't (could not—正式作文里,永远不要用缩写!) go home (加入 “and eat dinner”—前面你说你饿了,后面你说你回不了家,两者有联系么?我知道正常人都能看出来有联系,但是答题一定要把老师当弱智一样,把所有的东西都写清楚.别不服气,我受过惨痛教训,不希望你重蹈覆辙而已) without my key.(加转折 “Luckily”) Just when I (was) about to gave (give) (写过去时就要全用过去时啊,时空穿梭机还没被发明出来呢) up,I met one of my friends (a friend,你要说的是“一个朋友”不是“朋友之一”).I told him the story of (改为 “about”—更简洁) me losing the (改为 “my”—你的钥匙没有那么伟大,也不是人人皆知世间只有这一把,所以你要说清楚是你的钥匙) key.He was so kind and (改为 “that”—又应该是因果关系,他之所以是好人,是因为他帮你找钥匙—that 后面放解释/ 原因) he helped me to find it.After about (删掉,或者换成 “approximately”—一样的意思,about 太口语化了) 10 (ten—minutes,正式作文里,永远不用阿拉伯数字,除非数字太大,写出来不简洁,比如76663549) we finally found it (改为 “my key”—上句已经用过it 了,这句换个花样,让文章多样化) behind a bush.I was so excited (excited?找着个钥匙你像磕了药一样一蹦三尺高?不是吧?但是 “excited” 就这意思—改成 “relieved” 或者 “happy”.(+转折 “Thus”) To express (my,知道你学的是个定语,但是要学会变通) gratitude,I decided to have dinner with him.And I will (用过去时,“would”) pay for the bill.
*这是真事?有些不合理呢.因为找不到钥匙回不了家,又饿,所以才担心.但是你朋友帮你找到钥匙了,你又有钱请人家吃饭.既然有钱,干嘛开始因为找不到钥匙回不了家,又饿而担心啊?如果是编的,把结尾改成“以后会请人家吃饭”
I am a big fan of hiking.However,I almost got into trouble because of my hobby once.One afternoon,I was hiking in the wild.When I decided to go home at sunset,I realized that I lost my key.I looked for the key as I went down the hills for a long time,but the action was in vain.I was so worried because I felt a rather hungry,but I could not go home without my key and eat dinner.Luckily,just when I was about to give up,I met a friend.I told him about me losing my key.He was so kind that he helped me to find it.After approximately ten minutes,we finally found my key behind a bush.I was relieved.To express my gratitude,I decided to have dinner with him.And I would pay for the bill.(*To express my gratitude,I promised myself that I would buy him dinner to pay him my thanks.)
看不出两段的差异,讲的是一个事情啊.只是两种语法错误而已啊.如果要求是用两种写法的话,让别的大大改第二段吧.我一个人有一个写作风格,所以只能写出一个正确语法的答案.
要想要高分,有三点：词,句,段
词：用长词,难词.并且要准确把握词的意思.比如找到钥匙你是不担心了,不是兴奋.
句：我不清楚你都学的什么,但是尽量用不同的句型.你上面的这段话,句句都是主谓宾 （I 干了什么.I 干了什么）.这不是语法错误,但是会让你的文章及其单调以及初级.抱歉没法帮你改,我要是改了,就等于帮你重写一篇了.
段：大哥你写的不是文章吧.根本没有中心思想.从你爱登山扯到你要请朋友吃饭.事件虽然发生的比较合理,但是没有中心思想.没法只言片语讲清楚,可以发百度信息给我或者自己找书学.还有就是你的转折,前言不搭后语.教你个办法：写出来后,把两句挨着的话单拎出来,想象自己只写了这两句话,看看两句话连贯不连贯.用白痴的智商去看,不要让大脑自作聪明的补全.
貌似就这些了.我写的可能有些苛刻,别介意啊.不清楚中国高中的英语程度,我尽量改成完美了