求高手批改雅思作文.请指出问题和错误,给个分数,并根据我写作文的习惯,看看需要在哪方面再努力,

求高手批改雅思作文.请指出问题和错误,给个分数,并根据我写作文的习惯,看看需要在哪方面再努力,
Some people think we need more female leaders to create world peace and reduce violence.To what extent do you agree?
Obviously,it is men that play more active role than women to pursue a peaceful world on the world’s political arena in all ages.Hardly do women show such an active and dominant picture.Therefore,some people assert that more women should devote themselves to creating a peaceful world with less violence.From my point of view,I quite agree their viewpoint,especially in contemporary society when teamwork in prevalent.
To begin with,women are,in essence,inherently advantageous in contrast with men in terms of characters.It is widely acknowledged that women are generally much less aggressive,ambitious as well as violent than men.Accordingly,it is common practice that female leaders tend to search for world peace and reducing violence,instead of pursuing more resources,land and hegemony.In addition,as for creating a more enlightened and progressive image,which embodies democracy and is of crucial significance to attract supporters,women are also far more adept at than their male counterparts.Therefore,with support of wider scope as well as higher degree,female leaders are more likely to be able to achieve their political ideals of world peace as well as less violence.
Nevertheless,women naturally have some disadvantages to be a leader.The most significant and manifest is,of course,they are relatively vulnerable physically.Their physical defects scarcely afford them to accomplish enormous achievements and deal with complicated situation.However,political leaders are receiving much more help from teams behind them to tackle with various problems.In this case,it would not be a problem for women to be leaders,and this can be best exemplified by such distinguished female leaders as Condoleezza Rice and Hillary Clinton and so forth.
To conclude,women have inherent advantages over men as leaders to pursue world peace and reduce violence.Though they are born with some defects,it would not be an obstacle particularly in present-day age.Consequently,I am convinced that we need more female leaders to create world peace and reduce violence.

1 when teamwork in prevalent 不对把,应该是笔误 IN -- IS
2 To begin with,women are,in essence,inherently advantageous in contrast with men in terms of characters ARE YOU SURE ,BY WHICH IT MEANS YOU ARE A SEXIST
我觉得如果这是你的当堂文章的话,那么你就不需要重点关注大作文了.词汇和语法都很丰富.不过把文章变的更生动一些,更简单明了一些就会拿到更好的分数,比如鲜活的例子和生动的比喻,使文章有趣和有文采.大作文你现在6.5+（给你6分的可能性有,但不应该超过20%） 如果更生动的话 7.5都可能.那个说你5.5的有可能是说你写的太象摸板或太枯燥了把 PS,用词平缓一点,不要动不动就BEST,MOST,CRUCIAL IMPORTANCE.
再问： 谢谢回答啊 顺便请问问，你所说的让文章更生动、有文采，有些什么好办法没有？ 另外，实际上我没有背过模板，只是看过些所谓高分作文，所以把一些框架性的东西拿来用了，但都不是出自一篇两篇文章，是很多文章中总结出来的。既然这样会有明显的模板痕迹，那请问有没有比较好的方法来避免？ 谢谢！ PS：我第一次考，也没有报过班，很多东西不了解，见谅！
再答： 我觉得你的范文看的太多拉!没必要这种刻板的套路,反正我不建议你再看范文了,知道一般的八股文是个大概的框架就足够了. 生动和文采嘛,非一日之工.不过还是可以提高的.举个例子把,我自己的,你要不喜欢勿喷 写毒品的时候 我第一句话是 though floopy flower is crimson, it is dangerous. 其实也没什么特殊的，只是你就会发现这种句子和 with the development of economy 不一样 。象你这个题目的话 也很好写出让人有印象的句子 我来一个 As the men who are supposed to create peas on the farm, the destiny of creating peace definitely rests on the shoulder of women on the earth. 当然，文风是贯穿整个文章的，但是我相信即使你节下来还是很刻板，一个好的开头会给你增色很多。比如比喻，举那种时髦的例子，诗歌的语言，修辞手法（alliteration,矛盾修饰法，拟人）都可以，当然这些东西是对于想拿7。5的人来说的，如果你六分或6。5就够了，只送你4个字：不要跑题
再问： 非常感谢你的回答 事实上，我的目标只是5.5以上，当然高分谁不想要？因为我没有考过，所以连目前我写的这些能不能拿到5.5都没有底的。你是说按现在的写下去，5.5分是没有问题吧？然后要是把文风修改一些，灵活、生动一些，还有可能拿好点的分数？
再答： 只要不偏题,大作文5.5没问题。不要让人感觉你在写8股文，堆砌一些所谓的大词汇。就是说要真正会用那些大词汇，不要让它们读起来很突兀。