神马作文网雅思剑5第一篇小作文,希望大牛帮助改改,顺便给个分数,
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雅思剑5第一篇小作文,希望大牛帮助改改,顺便给个分数,
This tendency graph,which from 1940 to 2040,demonstrates the quota of population aged 65 and over in 3 countries,namely Japan,Sweden and USA.All three countries’ percentages stared from lower than 10% in 1940 up to approximately 25% in 2040.The proportion of Sweden and USA had the same increasing tendency from 1940 to 1990(about 7% to 15%),but the percentage of Sweden rose more rapidly than USA between 1990 and 2015 with a peak in 2010 about 20%.However the quota of Japan decreased a little bit from 1940(5%) to 1960(3%),and stayed constant from 1960 to 1980,then the quota increased to 2015 to about 10%.After 2015 the proportions of all three countries rise dramatically to 2040.From the whole graph can man summarize,that the proportion of this three countries will keep rising with an almost same tend.
This tendency graph,which from 1940 to 2040,demonstrates the quota of population aged 65 and over in 3 countries,namely Japan,Sweden and USA.All three countries’ percentages stared from lower than 10% in 1940 up to approximately 25% in 2040.The proportion of Sweden and USA had the same increasing tendency from 1940 to 1990(about 7% to 15%),but the percentage of Sweden rose more rapidly than USA between 1990 and 2015 with a peak in 2010 about 20%.However the quota of Japan decreased a little bit from 1940(5%) to 1960(3%),and stayed constant from 1960 to 1980,then the quota increased to 2015 to about 10%.After 2015 the proportions of all three countries rise dramatically to 2040.From the whole graph can man summarize,that the proportion of this three countries will keep rising with an almost same tend.
个别单词有拼写错误哦,第二句lower than改为（just） under更好,“but the percentage of Sweden rose more rapidly than USA”,USA前加that of,“between 1990 and 2015 with a peak in 2010 about 20%”,about前面加at.a little bit 最好改为slightly.“ After 2015 the proportions of all three countries rise dramatically to 2040.”这句话有歧义了,难道是比例上升到2040?另外注意时态,这里最好用将来,表明是推测的.雅思小作文尽量不要出现歧义.这篇作文整体来讲还是不错的,但是from to貌似用得有些太多了,可以用period,span这样的词来替代下.分数嘛,6.5左右吧.
雅思剑5第一篇小作文,希望大牛帮助改改,顺便给个分数,
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