求批改SAT作文Do changes that make out lives easier not necessaril

求批改SAT作文
Do changes that make out lives easier not necessarily make them better?
With the development of modern technology,our life have become much easier than before.We enjoy the a-button-click distance with our friends thousands of miles away and rush to world famous attractions within several hour.But these changes only render us with convenience instead of better life.What if our traditional culture loss away when we are addicted with computer?What if our health is stripped by our convenient conveyance?
Students may serve as a good example of our culture loss.According to a survey carried out by Google,1/3 primary school students are sufferring from writing problems:they can hardly conjure up the words when they are writing.The survey points out that the cause lies in student's overuse of computer.Another example is the Internet,younsters in Asian coutries are widely using Internet now.Thus they've got large amount of exposure to Western culture.Christmas and Holloween,these western festivals spread widely in these Asian countries.But what about Asian traditional festivals?Statistics from government shows that firework during Spring Festival,a traditional Chinese festival is decreasing annually.It goes without saying that convenient communication systems render us in a state of losing culture belongings.
Nevertheless,we are not just suffering from culture loss but also become increasingly vulnerable to epidemic.Convenient conveyance saves us large amount of time to travel long distance.However,some staff became overly rely on automobiles and phones that they rid themselves of the "trouble"-walking.But survey conducted by a renowned hospital concludes that 90% of these staff lack physical exercise.They put themselves on the brink of diabetes,heart attack or even cancer when they spare themselves from adequate physical exercise.Another figure also supports this claim:overweight people in Brazil are increasing by 15% per year.Health problems are skyrocketing globally when we only take care of our economics well-being.Modern vehicles provide us with a chance to get access to foreign countries,outer space,but also health crisis.
After review these two cases,we may safely draw the conclusion.Changes make our life easier can't necessarily make our life better.However,it doesn't mean that we should abandon modern technology and return to our "natural state".It warns us that we should take care of our double-edged sword.Just like Dickens put it:"We are in the best of the times.We are in the worst of the times."

famous attractions within several hour.But these changes only render ↓
famous attractions within several hour,but ,in my opinion,these changes only render
students 例子解释太短 缺乏说服力 至少加上word自带纠错让他们懒得自己检查或者网络词汇的简写表达影响他们的语法结构吧
Another example is the Internet↓
Another example is the (decreasing public attention to the traditional events/culture loss) caused by the Internet
Statistics from government shows that firework during Spring Festival,a traditional Chinese festival is decreasing annually↓
Statistics from government shows that the amount of fireworks consumed during Spring Festival,a traditional Chinese festival,is decreasing annually
Convenient conveyance saves us large amount of time to travel long distance这句完全诡异
Convenient conveyance helps us save large amount of time during long journey
automobiles and phones that they rid themselves of the "trouble"-walking.But survey ↓
automobiles and phones with which they can rid themselves of the "trouble"-walking,but survey
上面是我看到的语法
不过主要问题还是：例子数量大且每个都不充分 句子间缺乏逻辑联系 连接词少 语法单一
优点 用词不错