来改改这篇习作.Student Use of ComputersCoincident with conspicuous

来改改这篇习作.
Student Use of Computers
Coincident with conspicuous advancement of economy is the growing importance of computers.As is shown in the chart,there was a steady rise,which was followed by a sharp increase from 1995 to 2000.Behind this trend,several factors,on my part,contribute to the dramatic change.To begin with,since industrialization made possible the manufacture of large quantities of goods,computers became inexpensive,which transformed them from an unaffordable luxury into a fashion accessory.In addition,this is partly due to genuine technology evolution; however,it is also partly the fruit of economy.The typical members of the public become growing better-off.All these give birth to the boom of student use of computers.As computers are gaining increasing popularity,they are followed by an array of serious problems.To name only a few,a host of college students are glued with computer games,such as CS game,which not only erodes our time-honored virtue,but also undercuts their glowing lives.Additionally,it is not uncommon that a multitude of students do not take sound advantage of computers but indulge in indecent data via net ,such as pornography.If not curved,littered data,like drugs,gradually corrode mind of adolescents.By and large,due to unfavorable spheres of the computers,a sea of teenagers are trapped inside a shell ."No gardens has no weeds." Fortunately ,most students,with no exception to me,know better than to be slaves but masters of computers.We are supposed to be sensible enough to absorb their essence and to resist their dark side.Only in this case,can we draw increasing revenues veritably and spice up our leisure time .
这是一篇别人的习作,我觉得还是不错的,想背诵一下,大家给看看有没有什么错误呢.
1)students are glued with computer games中with没错吧?
2corrode mind / virtue；erode mind / virtue能搭配吗?

1,可以用,外国人能懂,不过标准的是用to
2,有corrode our confidence,没见过corrode mind
不过virtue应该是可以的,erode相同
corrode our confidence
corrode the statue
你为什么要背这文章啊?我的第一感觉是GRE作文
之后是英语辩论赛...
要是前者..还是提高一下自己的逻辑和思考能力
要是后者,你说出来后没人懂,除非你发音非常清晰标准,意群分的特好
要是就想提高一下,或者答辩什么的,换一篇吧
还有,这文章有的地方语法有点不通,有的词用的不十分恰当,还有的地方就象在故弄玄虚...这么说话给人一种不好的印象,尤其是自己没有那么高的语言驾御能力的时候..
本人一点拙见