[为英语高手准备]雅思作文TASK2

[为英语高手准备]雅思作文TASK2
Pessure on uni students is increasing and thet are encouraged to make more efforts to study.What is your opinion?
To meet future employers’ higher demand,universities all around the world are now putting more courses on students’ timetable and providing various scholarships to hardworking students,which creates considerable pressure on universities students.However,the problem of whether this “pressure and encouragement” policy exerts a positive effect on universities students entails contrasting answers.As for me,this policy’s disadvantages outweigh the merits.
Initially,this policy deprives students’ opportunities of applying knowledge to real practice,for it diminish students’ extracurricular time which used to be spent on part-time jobs.Under this situation,it is standard practice for students to merely focus on academic knowledge and spend most of their time on fulfilling coursework instead of part-time jobs.Lack of experience,however,will hinder their future career,because most employers prefer experienced employees.The universally acknowledged fact,that some students with high GPA fail in job-hunting,bears testimony to this view.
Moreover,this policy is also damaging the effects that whole society made to improve students’ psychological soundness.A study reveals that unrelenting pressure makes 86% students depressive and in some cases unwilling to attend interpersonal communication,furthermore,some students who cannot withstand the pressure may even get psychological problems.By contrast,campus life without so heavy academic pressure will be totally different.Extracurricular activities,such as part-time job and social activities will broaden students’ knowledge and cultivate their team spirit.
Granted,this “pressure and encouragement” policy motivates students to gain more knowledge.Knowledge is not a dispensable part of academic progress,and academic progress contributes to future academic success.This argument,however,is focusing on just a small minority of cases.The fact is that most students will not become academics at all.So compared with valuable experience of work,too much academic knowledge squander most students’ intelligence,and only make brilliant students tired.
Taking into account various factors,I oppose this “pressure and encouragement” policy on grounds that it separates students with work experience and poses a threat to students’ mental health.Established and funded by its people,government should assume the responsibility for students,who really determine the future of this society,and take measures to combat this “pressure and encouragement” policy.
PS：最好再看看能得几分

首先您的词汇和句型比较丰富,是文章的亮点,可是还是重复的使用了过多的词组,对于代词的替换缺乏一点点技巧,加上有些地方明显的语法错误,以及过分的追求长句,使得短句很少,显得层次不均匀,使得文章的分数有所降低,但是这些错误不会影响阅读,整体来讲文章流畅,观点明确,分数应该在6.5-7分.
一些可以改进的地方如下：
1.不要一直重复的使用 sb's这种形式,需要代词或者别的句式做一点替换.具体在文中：students’ timetable ；students’ opportunities ；policy’s disadvantages ；
2.几个明显的语法错误和用词不当：
原句：for it diminish students’ extracurricular time which used to be spent on part-time jobs.
改正：for it diminishes students’ extracurricular time which might be used on part-time jobs.
原句：Lack of experience,however,will hinder their future career,because most employers prefer experienced employees.
改正：Lacking of experience,however,will hinder their future careers,because most employers prefer experienced employees.
原：Extracurricular activities,such as part-time job and social activities will broaden students’ knowledge and cultivate their team spirit.
改：Extracurricular activities,such as part-time jobs and social activities will broaden students’ knowledge and cultivate their team spirit.
原：This argument,however,is focusing on just a small minority of cases.
改：This argument,however,is only focusing on a minority of cases.
原：So compared with valuable experience of work,too much academic knowledge squander most students’ intelligence,and only make brilliant students tired.
改：So compared with valuable experience of work,too much academic knowledge not only squanders most students’ intelligence,but also makes brilliant students tired.
原：Established and funded by its people,government should assume the responsibility for students,who really determine the future of this society,and take measures to combat this “pressure and encouragement” policy.
改：划掉这句话吧,实在是不好,最后总结一下说明自己的观点就好了,也就是支持还是反对.