可以帮我指点一下这篇作文吗 这是我写的考研作文模板,满分20能得几分?

可以帮我指点一下这篇作文吗 这是我写的考研作文模板,满分20能得几分?
As is portrayed in the diagram,a business man is selling shoes and attracts another person’s attention.He named himself a trustworthy in his commodity quality,but in fact his so-called high-class shoes are feigned while the consumer no longer cares about the good itself but the seller’s honesty he is focusing on.
What the author subtly conveys to us is that being honest is not just superficially a trifle,but a significant factor affecting consumption.This phenomenon exists wildly in China today.It is the absence of morality of which we failed to recognize the importance that lead to the serious distrusting attracting our close attention today.If well regulated,the relationship between seller and consumer should be better than present.For instance,Americans are enjoying their consumption with out worry about the quality.Basing on the discussion here in before,we can conclude that morality is necessary to business.
To correct this incorrectness,two aspects should be carefully concerned.On one hand,a more active managing system should be set to substitute for the old one.On the other hand,high personal quality can be a key to solve the problem fundamentally.Only in this way can we obtain a sustainable market development.

1. The topic is not provided, so we don't know if you have written off the topic or to what extent you have or have not.
2. You tried to make a point which needed to be developed a bit further. This is especially obvious regarding the last paragraph.
3. This piece has grammar mistakes galore, to be honest. Sometimes, it causes great strain of understanding. Some of the examples are:
"a business man "
"He named himself a trustworthy in his commodity quality, but in fact his so-called high-class shoes are feigned while the consumer no longer cares about the good itself but the seller’s honesty he is focusing on."
"What the author subtly conveys to us is..."
"... being honest is not just superficially a trifle, ..."
"This phenomenon exists wildly in China today."
"It is the absence of morality of which we failed to recognize the importance that lead to the serious distrusting attracting our close attention today."
"with out"
"with out worry about..."
"Basing on the discussion here in before, ..."
"To correct this incorrectness, two aspects should be carefully concerned."
"On one hand, ..."
"..., high personal quality can be a key to solve the problem fundamentally."
4. 11-13 out of 20.