雅思作文,求点评.Some people think it is necessary to punish childre

雅思作文,求点评.
Some people think it is necessary to punish children in order to teach them the difference between right and wrong.Do you agree or disagree?
Because of an old saying ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’,some individuals believe that punishment is essential for children’s wellbeing as it teaches them to distinguish the right and the wrong.Overall,one could disagree with such an opinion.
Firstly,punishments,especially physical ones,are against the Federal Law.In the light of the law,it is clearly argued that anyone,including children’s parents,will face up to 20 years jail if they have used punitive measures to penalise the young individuals.For instance,a primary school teacher had been arrested in 2009 and the Federal Police found that he had utilized certain illegal matters to castigate his students because those students had not completed their homework.
Secondly,corporal punishment and verbal punishment are not good methods to teach teenagers as these may fuel the rebellion.Because children could be immature,during the period of adolescence,any discipline,which is too strict for them,may result in certain detrimental consequences.For example,in July 2011,a Chinese high school student murdered his father as he was penalized by his father physically and mentally due to his failure in final semester exams.
To sum up,to castigate a young person is a behaviour which should be prohibited as it is not only against the law,but also could lead to serious consequences such as murder or suicide.From this perspective,it could be suggested that children should be encouraged to reason out their right or wrong doings guided by responsible adults.By doing so,it could ensure that those young people are able to learn from their mistakes and gain skills of distinguishing right from wrong.

Because of ——-There is /As
one could disagree --some would disagree
such an opinion--还是a opinion or opinion?
it could be suggested --it is