求my opinion on Rural STudents being shut out of key universi

求my opinion on Rural STudents being shut out of key universityd英语的作文

What shuts the rural students out of key universities?
　　Fewer and fewer students from rural areas are able to gain access to key universities,according to the statistics released by some research groups.
　　One possible reason is the collapse of dreams due to the increase of different kinds of enticements.Peasant families are living better with rises in income,but many young people lost their ways with the living standard improving.They just spend their time and money on playing in thirst for material enjoyment.They abandon higher education,and thus higher education abandons them all.（第一段说结论来自于某些调研机构的数据,那你自己的论点也必须有支持才行,不能随便上来说农村孩子沉迷于物质享受.）
　　If we say attitude cannot be decisive,then the lack of a better elementary education should be taken into consideration seriously.Rural areas in China were developing fast in the past twenty years,but didn’t get to a satisfying stage which is attractive enough to well-educated teachers.(一句话可以出现两个不同时态,但是时态必须表达内容,这里过去进行时和一般过去时貌似没实质意义上的区别.To是不是应该是for)Graduates from normal universities still prefer working in the city than sacrificing （牺牲不如改成投身农村教育devoting themselves to ….）in the country.The result is that students from less-developed regions lack skills for which times call.
　　Another important factor is the rise of tuition fees.With the price rising like a rocket,it’s nearly same difficult for ordinary peasants to support a family which has a college student as before.（比较级结构有点问题）Sometimes the income can’t even cover the tuition fees.
　　Although the central government is willing to provide loans to those who can’t afford the tuition fees,not every poor student really applies for it.On the one hand,students from poor families are afraid of being looked down by others; on the other hand,the future is unpredictable,and they don’t have the confidence to repay the loans.
　　Government has been making efforts to change this situation.For example,it stopped （改成现在完成时更能突显要表达的意义,因为现在完成时强调对现在造成的影响,而一般过去时只说明动作在过去发生了）charging normal university students to attract more poor senior graduates,and moreover,to train more teachers for rural areas.（to train这个不定式是和to attract并列吗?）We have been exploring a better way,and we have no reason to expect a negative future of education in China.
　　总评：文章读完了感觉有点散,虽然好像什么都讲到了,但是好像又什么都没有讲.原因大概出在条理性上面.如果在文章开头就说清楚要讲哪几方面的原因和目前已经采取的措施,可能会使读者清晰很多.最后是语言,文章语言没有特别大的问题,但是读起来比较涩,感觉是有些不必要的短语和句型套用阻碍了流畅的表达.