我写了一篇英文短文,觉的哪些表达不地道,有语法错误的都要提出来有,

我写了一篇英文短文,觉的哪些表达不地道,有语法错误的都要提出来有,
Friends
Once upon a time,in a far away place,there was a big beautiful ranch,at the foot of a mountain.A boy named Jed worked in it.He was interested in different kinds of horses and often went up to the mountains nearby to capture them.
It was a fine day,the sun was shining brightly.Jed climbed to the top of the mountain,then he saw a horse,it was the blackest and biggest horse that he had never seen.He liked it so much..So he followed the horse in the after two days.The third day,the weather changed a lot,suddenly it rained heavily,the sky was full of black clouds.The horse screamed loudly,a cry of fear.Then,it run down to the mountain,after a while,some terrible things happened; tons of big rocks fell down from the mountain…
The black horse sunk in the mud,and almost couldn’t move.Jed run to it with worry.The following days,he stayed with the horse,and tried his best to help it get out of the mud.His hands were torn,face was tired,and clothes were dirty…
Everything comes to him who waits[功夫不负有心人].At last,he saved the horse,they become best friends,and they lived happily ever after…
Through the story,I found that if you want to make friends with others,you need to send you heart to your friends first,even he or her is not an out-going person; he or she will be moved by you.
呵呵，请大家最好把我错的理由该出来下，因为我水平比较不是很好，

已阅,总体感觉不错,不过还是有些不足之处,大体有三：
一,时态没有完全保持一致,很多地方该用过去时的都成了一般现在时.1.倒数第十段的run应为ran；2.倒数第八段的run同样应为ran；3.倒数第四段的become应为became（根据你后文的lived来看）
二,句子连结过渡间还有些生硬.1.第一段第三个逗号可以去掉,有点累赘；2.第五段第一个逗号应该为句号,因为前后句子讲的是两件事了；3.第六段“The third day”前因该加一个“in”；第七段“a cry of fear”前面最好加一个“letting out”,我懂你是说前面的scream是一个cry of fear,但直接在动作后面加名词会让人看不懂的,用letting out这个延续性的连接能够顺利过渡；4.倒数第八段“the following days”前面还是应该有个“in”.
三,词汇运用不准确.这应该是因为你学英语还没多久,词汇选择少造成的吧.1.倒数第八段的“sunk”最好换成“was buried”.sink意为“沉没”有主动意味,bury是“掩埋”,用被动语态更合适；2.还是那一段,“almost couldn't”可以考虑换为“could hardly”意思差不多只是读起来更上口.
这些就是比较明显的错误了,其实最大的不足是没有太多文采,直接表现在句式单调,全文没看到一个从句.很多句子如果用从句会更漂亮的.我也不为难你了哈,改了你看不懂也是白搭.等你把从句学过了,掌握好了自然就知道如何改了.
加油吧.